Remember when you were a little girl and you dreamt about what your wedding and what it would be like? You envisioned the flowing white dress that made you look like Cinderella complete with a sheer veil over your perfectly made up face. Basking in your happiness in the pews were your friends and family, and if you were me, Chris Smith from Kris Kross was waiting at the altar with Reverend Run who would officiate the ceremony.
Hey, we all had dreams.
As women get older our dreams of love and marriage change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for worse. Especially if you are an African American woman. Marriage as you reach adult age no longer seems to be of such certainty as when you were a young girl. When you are a kid marriage (especially if you come from a 2 parent household) seemed to be your birthright, something of an entitlement. Even in the 1970's -1990's it was still an alarming decrease in African American marriages compared to the 1930's-1960's. I myself will never forget an incident in the third grade in which on the first day of school we were required to fill out what were called "10-07 cards". These were the usual emergency contact cards that students fill out with their parents contact information. Upon completing mine (proudly) and leaving no space blank I walked up to my teacher's desk and handed it to her and then returned to my desk. Within a matter of minutes she called me back to her desk. "Sharonda" she began, "On your card you put your father's address was the same as you and your mothers." I looked at her with 8 year old puzzled ignorance and replied "yes, we all live in the same house." She then leaned forward and said the words that 27 years later I still haven't forgot, "Was Albert home last night?"
Yes, she went there.
I told her he was and she sent me back to my seat. Me, being a kid I wasn't aware that in my completely African American classroom I was the exception, not the rule in regards to children who came from a married household. My parents married 4 years before I was born and were together 9 years before that so that was all I knew. Now sure the other kids in school or on my block were a different story for the most part, but still. I remember casually reiterating the story to my mother while doing my homework that night. My mother who grew up the complete opposite, in a predominately white school wasn't quite as calm in her response and let my teacher know so the very next day at school. From that day forward the subject of Albert ,or where he lived never came up again from any of my teachers.
Fast forward to 2014...
Women (and some men) make jokes about how "everyone is getting married but me". Sure it may seem that everyone around you is getting married, but sadly when you look at the stats you see another story. Marriage with African Americans couples have suffered a significant drop. There are many factors that contribute. Some negative such as an increase in black men who are incarcerated, some more new age that simply derive from more non traditional families such as same sex partners. Then there are the single mothers (and some fathers) which has plagued our community for decades, and now a new phenomenon...the side chicks.
For those of my readers who are more Kenny G than say 2 Chainz, let me explain what a side chick is.
side chick (n)
sīd/ CHik/
Definition: The other woman, the mistress. A female who is neither the girlfriend nor the wife, yet has relations with the male while he is in another relationship.
Many moons ago the side chick was quietly tucked away where no one could see her. She was not treated to the same luxuries and accommodations as the wife and she was tight lipped and hidden. She did not wear her title as a badge of honor, nor did she seek to remain in this position although for the most part that is exactly what happened until she was tired of and discarded away. In the event that an out of wedlock baby was born of this scandalous union, drastic measures were taken to keep the "outside kid(s)" from meeting the males "real family." In the past it was not unheard of to have a grown kid or two show up at dad's funeral after being shunned for their entire life with the exception of a check to mommy here or there. I myself had a friend in high school who is the "out of wedlock baby" of a very prominent and popular late blues singer.
So when did the roles change and why?
There are lots of parties to blame in the decline of the African American family, but in my opinion the modern hip hop culture carries a lot of blood on it's hands. Now as a HUGE hip hop junkie let me clarify when I say "modern hip hop." When I was growing up you had Steady B asking girls "Do you want to go steady?", and Cool C rapping about giving his girl "The glamorous life". Tupac could go from screaming "Holla if you hear me" to telling women to "Keep your head up", LL softened his tone to stress that he needed love. You had rappers who had a street edge, but managed to stop and show ladies respect and tenderness while still displaying the epitome of cool. Even Method Man in his ode to his lady love in "All I need" showed the world that he could step outside his 36 chambers and show a vulnerable side. Fast forward to hip hop today you rarely see that attention with the exception of Drake who at times is ostracized for being a gentleman. We see more songs about "big booty hoes", strippers and "money over bitches." Women became the enemy. We were no longer looked at as mothers and queens, instead we were money hungry, scandalous and replaceable. On any given day on Instagram you will see a picture with the caption "hoes be like..." or something else degrading to black women and the sad part is that more often it is women joining in with the buffoonery. The same women who are ready to fight if a man calls them outside their name call each other bitches and hoes as a term of endearment. How can we demand respect and expect respect when we don't show it to each other? Would you want to marry someone who thinks so low of themselves?
Sadly some African American women also like to place blame on someone who holds absolutely no fault whatsoever to the demise of marriage within our community. The white woman. If you were in a room with 10 black women and brought up the subject of interracial marriage in a private setting, I am sure that more than half will admit they feel a burn when they see an increase of these relationships. Now granted, I myself would love to see more Claire & Cliff Huxtable's, but the decline of that has nothing to do with white women, and everything to do with black women and black men. With women becoming so accepting of misogynistic lyrics and attitudes from our men, bobbing our heads and dropping it low to lyrics that disrespect and demean us, it's no wonder why they seek outside of us at times. Don't get me wrong, the strong black woman still very much exists, but she is a dying breed. We have far more girls who are more focused on getting $200 hair, bags and purses to post on Instagram than we are on building our credit, buying a home and creating a brand. Some of us rather buy illegal silicone butt shots than take a shot at buying from black owned businesses. Some of us spend thousands of dollars to look like what we think our men want, a plastic faux Barbie doll whose measurements are as small as our confidence than just be happy and beautiful with the natural essence we were blessed with. Now when I say natural I don't mean hair, or no make up (good God no!) or letting ones self go, I mean not jeopardizing our health and life by injecting ourselves with things that no doctor would dare do. Especially when in the end YOU are not the one he is going to take home to meet his mother.
These are facts. They marry Jackie's, not Marilyn's.
So back to the side chick epidemic. Women feel at a lost. They listen to lyrics that make being the side chick look like they won the showcase showdown on 'The price is right'. They get some bags, shoes, some cash...maybe a lease in a rental property and they think they've won. They get the attention of an athlete or rapper and they feel they've come up. They're too blind to see just why this athlete propositioned them in the first place. Or maybe they do and simply don't care. None the less the side chick is emerging more and more into the public light. You have side chicks going to TMZ to tell their story for a few thousand (thanks Karrine), side chicks calling the blogs, screen shots being posted...it's ridiculous. Then of course after that debacle who would be a fool to take you outside the bedroom? We live in a world where women live on social media more than real life. We all know at least one person who any given day can be found posting on IG or twitter and if she isn't posting, she is lurking. We have shows like "Scandal" and "Being Mary Jane" that celebrate or make the side chick look fabulous, and like a winner. Reality shows like "Love and hip hop" (both Atlanta AND New York) which have side chick love triangles. It's a growing trend that needs to die and quickly. These are role models are young daughters do not need to see. It's OUR fault, not THEIRS.
Wake up. Please. We were taught better than this. You get the respect you demand. We women ARE better than this. We're queens. Claim your crown again. It's not too late.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
No OLD friends. Getting toxic friends out of your 2014.
No matter who you are, your age, gender or background. You have at least one person you can call friend. That person who when something good happens in your life you pick up the phone and you dial them up. That person who when the not so great stuff happens you can call and lean on, and if you're really lucky, you have that really great friend who you can completely let your hair down and enjoy a conversation with them that will have you laughing so hard your sides hurt. That person may have been there since childhood, a former colleague, even a relative. I myself count my mother as one of the best friends I'll ever have in my life. She is dependable, a straight shooter who won't sugar coat anything with me, and she always has my back 100%. These friends help us cope with the everyday hustle and bustle that is life and keep us sane.
However, they can be in a minor category of friends that we have. For the most part many of us have more "fair weather" friends than not. The ones who while speaking with them on the phone we are constantly rolling our eyes at every other ridiculous thing they say while watching TMZ in the background. The friends who really aren't our friends at all. They have their own agendas for sticking in our lives and we see it, but continue with this farce of a friendship. The friends who little do we know hold us back or as the old folks would say "block our blessings". The ones you swear you will stop dealing with and talking with but continue to do so anyway.
You know those folks right? No? Let's refresh your memory as well as give solutions to rid yourself of these harmful acquaintances so you can stay focused on the positive.
True story. I have a friend who is harmless yes, but is also just as equally clueless. She is a year older than me (but still continues to lie about her age so she appears younger) and although financially she is secure, mentally she is far from it. She is also about as deep as a frisbee. Now this do not make her a bad person...but she does posses toxic qualities. She only calls to gossip about her other friends. I know everything about everyone she considers a friend and it's not good. She tends to take pleasure in others misfortune and it is a little more than obvious that it is because she sees herself as a train wreck ready to crash. She can go on for hours about say how she feels this friends acting career is going nowhere, or how this friends obviously lacking self esteem because of the women he chooses to date.
Hi pot. Meet kettle.
She only appears to see her worth in the physical flesh and not for the brain she may have (I can't attest to that fact because she never displays it like she does her breasts or rear) and then she questions why people only view her as an object and nothing more. Even with her constant gossiping and berating of other people I still pick up the phone and entertain the foolishness. It is draining, unproductive and a downer. I have never got off on putting others down but then again I have a concious and look in the mirror everyday. I am flawed myself. I have distanced myself greatly from this friend and definitely no longer share my secrets with her (who would), but I haven't (yet) cut her all the way off because like I said, she isn't a bad person, just not the best. When the conversation turns negative, hateful and gossipy I politely change the subject and sometimes she catches the hint. When she doesn't, I end said conversation. Period.
We all have certain friends who although they could use a major attitude adjustment, they don't need to be completely cut from our lives. We also have friends who need to go far, far, FAR away. Friends should uplift you, make you feel empowered when you need that extra boost without being a crutch. They should be able to keep a secret (as should you) and be supportive in your dreams and cheering on your accomplishments. There should not be competition, but motivation between you two. True friends don't make you feel weary after a conversation. You shouldn't feel regretful that you picked up the phone once her/his number popped up on the screen. I had a friend who everytime he called it was to moan about how horrible his life was, how he didn't have a girlfriend, he hated his job, and his family didn't understand him. I tried to be as supportive and encouraging as I could but it seems the more I tried to uplift him, the more he blocked every positive thing I had to say like he was a wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys. He even tried making excuses for his own misfortunes. For example instead of taking responsibility for his actions he placed blame on others. The girls who don't date him obviously want "former felons without jobs or cars who will lie on the couch all day eating up their food." Pure ignorance. He never took responsibilty that perhaps, just perhaps, she just may not be that into you. I even tried to give advice from a female perspective which he refused to take (which was his prerogative) but then he would turn around and come to me when his own way of thinking caused him hardships. This friend I had to stop picking up the phone for. It was draining, tiresome and pointless and as a female insulting. Although I wish him well, I can't get sucked into his constant theory of "it's not me, it's everyone else." He is the epitome of "misery loves company."
Other toxic friends include the ones who always wants to borrow money, but never can do the littlest things for you. The one who has you babysit her kid while she goes out on a date but you never hear from her any other time. The friends who only want to call when they spot your ex boyfriend and his new wife out looking great. Basically the people who aren't truly your friends at all, they are just looking for an earpiece and someone to engage in conversations that are absolutely meaningless to your life, prove unproductive and when you hang up the receiver you feel just as dumb as they sound. If you want to make 2014 the best year of YOUR life you need to get rid of blessing blockers and fast! It's cool to be cordial upon seeing these folks on the street, I mean, you don't need to take off in a sprint or avoid eye contact when you spot them, just create boundaries that will help you rid your life of the toxic mess they seem to bring to it. Here are a few tips:
1.) It takes two to tango...and gossip.
When the conversation turns to gossip turn a deaf ear. Literally. Simply don't respond and if they can't take the hint be upfront. Let them know that you aren't interested in rehashing others misfortunes, that you don't take joy in it. If they don't feel ridiculous for trying to bait you in such pointless chatter they'll end the conversation. Either way it is a win for you.
2.) Refer to number 1.
It's really THAT simple. No other tips are needed. Just stop them and the conversation in their tracks by being upfront. We're working on ourselves and our goals for an awesome 2014. This is going to be the greatest year of YOUR life! There is no room for negative Nancy's or Joyless Jim's! No time to focus on what this girl is doing and who with or what this person said on their twitter page. It's minor stuff and we're only interested in the major.
Remember as you grow in your journey you will outgrow some people who are currently in your life. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it hurts. These are growing pains. Loose ends will stunt your growth. One to grow on.
--Shae Camille
However, they can be in a minor category of friends that we have. For the most part many of us have more "fair weather" friends than not. The ones who while speaking with them on the phone we are constantly rolling our eyes at every other ridiculous thing they say while watching TMZ in the background. The friends who really aren't our friends at all. They have their own agendas for sticking in our lives and we see it, but continue with this farce of a friendship. The friends who little do we know hold us back or as the old folks would say "block our blessings". The ones you swear you will stop dealing with and talking with but continue to do so anyway.
You know those folks right? No? Let's refresh your memory as well as give solutions to rid yourself of these harmful acquaintances so you can stay focused on the positive.
True story. I have a friend who is harmless yes, but is also just as equally clueless. She is a year older than me (but still continues to lie about her age so she appears younger) and although financially she is secure, mentally she is far from it. She is also about as deep as a frisbee. Now this do not make her a bad person...but she does posses toxic qualities. She only calls to gossip about her other friends. I know everything about everyone she considers a friend and it's not good. She tends to take pleasure in others misfortune and it is a little more than obvious that it is because she sees herself as a train wreck ready to crash. She can go on for hours about say how she feels this friends acting career is going nowhere, or how this friends obviously lacking self esteem because of the women he chooses to date.
Hi pot. Meet kettle.
She only appears to see her worth in the physical flesh and not for the brain she may have (I can't attest to that fact because she never displays it like she does her breasts or rear) and then she questions why people only view her as an object and nothing more. Even with her constant gossiping and berating of other people I still pick up the phone and entertain the foolishness. It is draining, unproductive and a downer. I have never got off on putting others down but then again I have a concious and look in the mirror everyday. I am flawed myself. I have distanced myself greatly from this friend and definitely no longer share my secrets with her (who would), but I haven't (yet) cut her all the way off because like I said, she isn't a bad person, just not the best. When the conversation turns negative, hateful and gossipy I politely change the subject and sometimes she catches the hint. When she doesn't, I end said conversation. Period.
We all have certain friends who although they could use a major attitude adjustment, they don't need to be completely cut from our lives. We also have friends who need to go far, far, FAR away. Friends should uplift you, make you feel empowered when you need that extra boost without being a crutch. They should be able to keep a secret (as should you) and be supportive in your dreams and cheering on your accomplishments. There should not be competition, but motivation between you two. True friends don't make you feel weary after a conversation. You shouldn't feel regretful that you picked up the phone once her/his number popped up on the screen. I had a friend who everytime he called it was to moan about how horrible his life was, how he didn't have a girlfriend, he hated his job, and his family didn't understand him. I tried to be as supportive and encouraging as I could but it seems the more I tried to uplift him, the more he blocked every positive thing I had to say like he was a wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys. He even tried making excuses for his own misfortunes. For example instead of taking responsibility for his actions he placed blame on others. The girls who don't date him obviously want "former felons without jobs or cars who will lie on the couch all day eating up their food." Pure ignorance. He never took responsibilty that perhaps, just perhaps, she just may not be that into you. I even tried to give advice from a female perspective which he refused to take (which was his prerogative) but then he would turn around and come to me when his own way of thinking caused him hardships. This friend I had to stop picking up the phone for. It was draining, tiresome and pointless and as a female insulting. Although I wish him well, I can't get sucked into his constant theory of "it's not me, it's everyone else." He is the epitome of "misery loves company."
Other toxic friends include the ones who always wants to borrow money, but never can do the littlest things for you. The one who has you babysit her kid while she goes out on a date but you never hear from her any other time. The friends who only want to call when they spot your ex boyfriend and his new wife out looking great. Basically the people who aren't truly your friends at all, they are just looking for an earpiece and someone to engage in conversations that are absolutely meaningless to your life, prove unproductive and when you hang up the receiver you feel just as dumb as they sound. If you want to make 2014 the best year of YOUR life you need to get rid of blessing blockers and fast! It's cool to be cordial upon seeing these folks on the street, I mean, you don't need to take off in a sprint or avoid eye contact when you spot them, just create boundaries that will help you rid your life of the toxic mess they seem to bring to it. Here are a few tips:
1.) It takes two to tango...and gossip.
When the conversation turns to gossip turn a deaf ear. Literally. Simply don't respond and if they can't take the hint be upfront. Let them know that you aren't interested in rehashing others misfortunes, that you don't take joy in it. If they don't feel ridiculous for trying to bait you in such pointless chatter they'll end the conversation. Either way it is a win for you.
2.) Refer to number 1.
It's really THAT simple. No other tips are needed. Just stop them and the conversation in their tracks by being upfront. We're working on ourselves and our goals for an awesome 2014. This is going to be the greatest year of YOUR life! There is no room for negative Nancy's or Joyless Jim's! No time to focus on what this girl is doing and who with or what this person said on their twitter page. It's minor stuff and we're only interested in the major.
Remember as you grow in your journey you will outgrow some people who are currently in your life. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it hurts. These are growing pains. Loose ends will stunt your growth. One to grow on.
--Shae Camille
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy New Year 2014...now what ?
The bubbly has been popped, the confetti has fell & if you're lucky you got a nice smooch at the stroke of midnight. You close your eyes tight & tell yourself "Self, this year is going to be different". You're going to get up an hour earlier so you can go to the gym in the morning before work, you're going to finish that screenplay you started 2 years ago, you're going to set aside 20% of your net pay into your savings each month, you're even going to ask for that promotion you know you deserve.
You're going to succeed. You're going to be the best you that you can possibly be & this WILL be the best year of your life.
Flash forward to a week later & you have fallen right back into the same routine that plagued you the year before. You let your gym membership lapse, you spend that 20% that could have went into your savings on fast food, happy hour 3 times a week, crap at Target you don't need & lottery tickets whenever the jackpot (along with your chances of winning) spikes to some ridiculous high. You make no attempts at work to be promoted thus causing you to once again wallow for another year in a position you detest for mere peanuts, & screenplay, please, you're lucky if you go to a matinee every now & then. Then to rationalize your failure to try you tell yourself....things could be worse.
No ! Things could be better ! So much better !
I have seen soooo many people complain about not making resolutions for the new year because "they never work". The problem people fail to understand is the old saying holds true. You can be ANYTHING you want to be, you just have to be prepared to put in the grunt work. The blood, sweat & tears. Folks are afraid of the sacrifice & struggle (yes, there will be a struggle) in achieving a dream. There will be days when you want to quit, times you will second guess yourself & try to convince yourself that this is not really what you want. Days when you tell yourself "I'll just try again later".
These are hurdles. This is when you need to get your Jesse Owens on & leap over the negativity.
Here are 3 tips to making your new years resolutions apart of your everyday routine from now on:
1) When the going gets tough, the tough gets to remembering.
When payday comes & you spy that extra $200 that doesn't have to go to a bill, groceries or gas & instead of putting it aside into your savings you contemplate going out for a much deserved dinner at Ruth Chris, or buying those Stella McCartney boots that Neiman's has on sale, play the "I remember when..." game. Think back to that day at the gas pump when you were down to your last $20 & you had to decide how to get gas & dinner, remember when dinner for 2 days had to consist of top ramen & slightly sour OJ. Remember when you had to sit through another lecture from your mom about "the importance of being frugal" when you needed to borrow $50 until payday. Just remind yourself how the more you save monthly means the less your chance of being in one of those scenarios if even at all. The same goes for the gym. When the alarm goes off at 5:00 am & you just want to say screw that workout in turn for another hour of sleep remember that picture of you from last 4th of July where EVERYONE thought you were pregnant & you weren't.
2.) Be your own life coach.
When it comes to fixing your life no one knows what you need more than you do. Sure other folks can give you pep talks & give reasons why you should stick to your resolutions but only YOU know for certain how crappy your current predicament is & why this change is so important. Sure others may look at you & think you don't really need to lose weight & you don't really look bad, but you know first hand how you struggled the other day getting to your 3rd floor office suite when the elevator was out & how you almost said "to hell with it" & went back to your car to call off for the day. No one knows how bad changes are needed like you. Be your own coach. Yell at yourself when no one is around ! Kick your own self in the rear when you start to wind down ! Encourage yourself to keep the momentum going.
3.) Track your progress
When you were a kid you were taught how to make pie charts & graphs, tools that showed where you were currently, & where you should be. Pull out the construction paper, markers & rulers & get to graphing ! Nothing helps you succeed better than actually seeing your success. When you can look at your progress on paper after a month of consistency & see your advancement it encourages you & motivates you to do better. Before you know it your are beating current goals & feeling great about yourself. Whether it's having an extra $100 in the bank past projection to having lost 3 inches instead of 1, that ego boost is encouraging & the end result will be priceless.
With these simple tools to new years resolution success along with hard work, prayer & self confidence you will end the year much more successful ! Happy New Year everybody !
XoXo
Shae Camille
You're going to succeed. You're going to be the best you that you can possibly be & this WILL be the best year of your life.
Flash forward to a week later & you have fallen right back into the same routine that plagued you the year before. You let your gym membership lapse, you spend that 20% that could have went into your savings on fast food, happy hour 3 times a week, crap at Target you don't need & lottery tickets whenever the jackpot (along with your chances of winning) spikes to some ridiculous high. You make no attempts at work to be promoted thus causing you to once again wallow for another year in a position you detest for mere peanuts, & screenplay, please, you're lucky if you go to a matinee every now & then. Then to rationalize your failure to try you tell yourself....things could be worse.
No ! Things could be better ! So much better !
I have seen soooo many people complain about not making resolutions for the new year because "they never work". The problem people fail to understand is the old saying holds true. You can be ANYTHING you want to be, you just have to be prepared to put in the grunt work. The blood, sweat & tears. Folks are afraid of the sacrifice & struggle (yes, there will be a struggle) in achieving a dream. There will be days when you want to quit, times you will second guess yourself & try to convince yourself that this is not really what you want. Days when you tell yourself "I'll just try again later".
These are hurdles. This is when you need to get your Jesse Owens on & leap over the negativity.
Here are 3 tips to making your new years resolutions apart of your everyday routine from now on:
1) When the going gets tough, the tough gets to remembering.
When payday comes & you spy that extra $200 that doesn't have to go to a bill, groceries or gas & instead of putting it aside into your savings you contemplate going out for a much deserved dinner at Ruth Chris, or buying those Stella McCartney boots that Neiman's has on sale, play the "I remember when..." game. Think back to that day at the gas pump when you were down to your last $20 & you had to decide how to get gas & dinner, remember when dinner for 2 days had to consist of top ramen & slightly sour OJ. Remember when you had to sit through another lecture from your mom about "the importance of being frugal" when you needed to borrow $50 until payday. Just remind yourself how the more you save monthly means the less your chance of being in one of those scenarios if even at all. The same goes for the gym. When the alarm goes off at 5:00 am & you just want to say screw that workout in turn for another hour of sleep remember that picture of you from last 4th of July where EVERYONE thought you were pregnant & you weren't.
2.) Be your own life coach.
When it comes to fixing your life no one knows what you need more than you do. Sure other folks can give you pep talks & give reasons why you should stick to your resolutions but only YOU know for certain how crappy your current predicament is & why this change is so important. Sure others may look at you & think you don't really need to lose weight & you don't really look bad, but you know first hand how you struggled the other day getting to your 3rd floor office suite when the elevator was out & how you almost said "to hell with it" & went back to your car to call off for the day. No one knows how bad changes are needed like you. Be your own coach. Yell at yourself when no one is around ! Kick your own self in the rear when you start to wind down ! Encourage yourself to keep the momentum going.
3.) Track your progress
When you were a kid you were taught how to make pie charts & graphs, tools that showed where you were currently, & where you should be. Pull out the construction paper, markers & rulers & get to graphing ! Nothing helps you succeed better than actually seeing your success. When you can look at your progress on paper after a month of consistency & see your advancement it encourages you & motivates you to do better. Before you know it your are beating current goals & feeling great about yourself. Whether it's having an extra $100 in the bank past projection to having lost 3 inches instead of 1, that ego boost is encouraging & the end result will be priceless.
With these simple tools to new years resolution success along with hard work, prayer & self confidence you will end the year much more successful ! Happy New Year everybody !
XoXo
Shae Camille
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