Here comes the...side chick?

Remember when you were a little girl and you dreamt about what your wedding and what it would be like? You envisioned the flowing white dress that made you look like Cinderella complete with a sheer veil over your perfectly made up face. Basking in your happiness in the pews were your friends and family, and if you were me, Chris Smith from Kris Kross was waiting at the altar with Reverend Run who would officiate the ceremony.

Hey, we all had dreams.

As women get older our dreams of love and marriage change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for worse. Especially if you are an African American woman. Marriage as you reach adult age no longer seems to be of such certainty as when you were a young girl. When you are a kid marriage (especially if you come from a 2 parent household) seemed to be your birthright, something of an entitlement. Even in the 1970's -1990's it was still an alarming decrease in African American marriages compared to the 1930's-1960's. I myself will never forget an incident in the third grade in which on the first day of school we were required to fill out what were called "10-07 cards". These were the usual emergency contact cards that students fill out with their parents contact information. Upon completing mine (proudly) and leaving no space blank I walked up to my teacher's desk and handed it to her and then returned to my desk. Within a matter of minutes she called me back to her desk. "Sharonda" she began, "On your card you put your father's address was the same as you and your mothers." I looked at her with 8 year old puzzled ignorance and replied "yes, we all live in the same house." She then leaned forward and said the words that 27 years later I still haven't forgot, "Was Albert home last night?"

Yes, she went there.

I told her he was and she sent me back to my seat. Me, being a kid I wasn't aware that in my completely African American classroom I was the exception, not the rule in regards to children who came from a married household. My parents married 4 years before I was born and were together 9 years before that so that was all I knew. Now sure the other kids in school or on my block were a different story for the most part, but still. I remember casually reiterating the story to my mother while doing my homework that night. My mother who grew up the complete opposite, in a predominately white school wasn't quite as calm in her response and let my teacher know so the very next day at school. From that day forward the subject of Albert ,or where he lived never came up again from any of my teachers.

Fast forward to 2014...

Women (and some men) make jokes about how "everyone is getting married but me". Sure it may seem that everyone around you is getting married, but sadly when you look at the stats you see another story. Marriage with African Americans couples have suffered a significant drop. There are many factors that contribute. Some negative such as an increase in black men who are incarcerated, some more new age that simply derive from more non traditional families such as same sex partners. Then there are the single mothers (and some fathers) which has plagued our community for decades, and now a new phenomenon...the side chicks. 

For those of my readers who are more Kenny G than say 2 Chainz, let me explain what a side chick is.

side chick (n)
sīd/ CHik/

Definition: The other woman, the mistress. A female who is neither the girlfriend nor the wife, yet has relations with the male while he is in another relationship.

Many moons ago the side chick was quietly tucked away where no one could see her. She was not treated to the same luxuries and accommodations as the wife and she was tight lipped and hidden. She did not wear her title as a badge of honor, nor did she seek to remain in this position although for the most part that is exactly what happened until she was tired of and discarded away. In the event that an out of wedlock baby was born of this scandalous union, drastic measures were taken to keep the "outside kid(s)" from meeting the males "real family." In the past it was not unheard of to have a grown kid or two show up at dad's funeral after being shunned for their entire life with the exception of a check to mommy here or there. I myself had a friend in high school who is the "out of wedlock baby" of a very prominent and popular late blues singer.

So when did the roles change and why?

There are lots of parties to blame in the decline of the African American family, but in my opinion the modern hip hop culture carries a lot of blood on it's hands. Now as a HUGE hip hop junkie let me clarify when I say "modern hip hop." When I was growing up you had Steady B asking girls "Do you want to go steady?", and Cool C rapping about giving his girl "The glamorous life". Tupac could go from screaming "Holla if you hear me" to telling women to "Keep your head up", LL softened his tone to stress that he needed love. You had rappers who had a street edge, but managed to stop and show ladies respect and tenderness while still displaying the epitome of cool. Even Method Man in his ode to his lady love in "All I need" showed the world that he could step outside his 36 chambers and show a vulnerable side. Fast forward to hip hop today you rarely see that attention with the exception of Drake who at times is ostracized for being a gentleman. We see more songs about "big booty hoes", strippers and "money over bitches." Women became the enemy. We were no longer looked at as mothers and queens, instead we were money hungry, scandalous and replaceable. On any given day on Instagram you will see a picture with the caption "hoes be like..." or something else degrading to black women and the sad part is that more often it is women joining in with the buffoonery. The same women who are ready to fight if a man calls them outside their name call each other bitches and hoes as a term of endearment. How can we demand respect and expect respect when we don't show it to each other? Would you want to marry someone who thinks so low of themselves?

Sadly some African American women also like to place blame on someone who holds absolutely no fault whatsoever to the demise of marriage within our community. The white woman. If you were in a room with 10 black women and brought up the subject of interracial marriage in a private setting, I am sure that more than half will admit they feel a burn when they see an increase of these relationships. Now granted, I myself would love to see more Claire & Cliff Huxtable's, but the decline of that has nothing to do with white women, and everything to do with black women and black men. With women becoming so accepting of misogynistic lyrics and attitudes from our men, bobbing our heads and dropping it low to lyrics that disrespect and demean us, it's no wonder why they seek outside of us at times. Don't get me wrong, the strong black woman still very much exists, but she is a dying breed. We have far more girls who are more focused on getting $200 hair, bags and purses to post on Instagram than we are on building our credit, buying a home and creating a brand. Some of us rather buy illegal silicone butt shots than take a shot at buying from black owned businesses. Some of us spend thousands of dollars to look like what we think our men want, a plastic faux Barbie doll whose measurements are as small as our confidence than just be happy and beautiful with the natural essence we were blessed with. Now when I say natural I don't mean hair, or no make up (good God no!) or letting ones self go, I mean not jeopardizing our health and life by injecting ourselves with things that no doctor would dare do. Especially when in the end YOU are not the one he is going to take home to meet his mother.

These are facts. They marry Jackie's, not Marilyn's.

So back to the side chick epidemic. Women feel at a lost. They listen to lyrics that make being the side chick look like they won the showcase showdown on 'The price is right'. They get some bags, shoes, some cash...maybe a lease in a rental property and they think they've won. They get the attention of an athlete or rapper and they feel they've come up. They're too blind to see just why this athlete propositioned them in the first place. Or maybe they do and simply don't care. None the less the side chick is emerging more and more into the public light. You have side chicks going to TMZ to tell their story for a few thousand (thanks Karrine), side chicks calling the blogs, screen shots being posted...it's ridiculous. Then of course after that debacle who would be a fool to take you outside the bedroom? We live in a world where women live on social media more than real life. We all know at least one person who any given day can be found posting on IG or twitter and if she isn't posting, she is lurking. We have shows like "Scandal" and "Being Mary Jane" that celebrate or make the side chick look fabulous, and like a winner. Reality shows like "Love and hip hop" (both Atlanta AND New York) which have side chick love triangles. It's a growing trend that needs to die and quickly. These are role models are young daughters do not need to see. It's OUR fault, not THEIRS.

Wake up. Please. We were taught better than this. You get the respect you demand. We women ARE better than this. We're queens. Claim your crown again. It's not too late.