No matter who you are, your age, gender or background. You have at least one person you can call friend. That person who when something good happens in your life you pick up the phone and you dial them up. That person who when the not so great stuff happens you can call and lean on, and if you're really lucky, you have that really great friend who you can completely let your hair down and enjoy a conversation with them that will have you laughing so hard your sides hurt. That person may have been there since childhood, a former colleague, even a relative. I myself count my mother as one of the best friends I'll ever have in my life. She is dependable, a straight shooter who won't sugar coat anything with me, and she always has my back 100%. These friends help us cope with the everyday hustle and bustle that is life and keep us sane.
However, they can be in a minor category of friends that we have. For the most part many of us have more "fair weather" friends than not. The ones who while speaking with them on the phone we are constantly rolling our eyes at every other ridiculous thing they say while watching TMZ in the background. The friends who really aren't our friends at all. They have their own agendas for sticking in our lives and we see it, but continue with this farce of a friendship. The friends who little do we know hold us back or as the old folks would say "block our blessings". The ones you swear you will stop dealing with and talking with but continue to do so anyway.
You know those folks right? No? Let's refresh your memory as well as give solutions to rid yourself of these harmful acquaintances so you can stay focused on the positive.
True story. I have a friend who is harmless yes, but is also just as equally clueless. She is a year older than me (but still continues to lie about her age so she appears younger) and although financially she is secure, mentally she is far from it. She is also about as deep as a frisbee. Now this do not make her a bad person...but she does posses toxic qualities. She only calls to gossip about her other friends. I know everything about everyone she considers a friend and it's not good. She tends to take pleasure in others misfortune and it is a little more than obvious that it is because she sees herself as a train wreck ready to crash. She can go on for hours about say how she feels this friends acting career is going nowhere, or how this friends obviously lacking self esteem because of the women he chooses to date.
Hi pot. Meet kettle.
She only appears to see her worth in the physical flesh and not for the brain she may have (I can't attest to that fact because she never displays it like she does her breasts or rear) and then she questions why people only view her as an object and nothing more. Even with her constant gossiping and berating of other people I still pick up the phone and entertain the foolishness. It is draining, unproductive and a downer. I have never got off on putting others down but then again I have a concious and look in the mirror everyday. I am flawed myself. I have distanced myself greatly from this friend and definitely no longer share my secrets with her (who would), but I haven't (yet) cut her all the way off because like I said, she isn't a bad person, just not the best. When the conversation turns negative, hateful and gossipy I politely change the subject and sometimes she catches the hint. When she doesn't, I end said conversation. Period.
We all have certain friends who although they could use a major attitude adjustment, they don't need to be completely cut from our lives. We also have friends who need to go far, far, FAR away. Friends should uplift you, make you feel empowered when you need that extra boost without being a crutch. They should be able to keep a secret (as should you) and be supportive in your dreams and cheering on your accomplishments. There should not be competition, but motivation between you two. True friends don't make you feel weary after a conversation. You shouldn't feel regretful that you picked up the phone once her/his number popped up on the screen. I had a friend who everytime he called it was to moan about how horrible his life was, how he didn't have a girlfriend, he hated his job, and his family didn't understand him. I tried to be as supportive and encouraging as I could but it seems the more I tried to uplift him, the more he blocked every positive thing I had to say like he was a wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys. He even tried making excuses for his own misfortunes. For example instead of taking responsibility for his actions he placed blame on others. The girls who don't date him obviously want "former felons without jobs or cars who will lie on the couch all day eating up their food." Pure ignorance. He never took responsibilty that perhaps, just perhaps, she just may not be that into you. I even tried to give advice from a female perspective which he refused to take (which was his prerogative) but then he would turn around and come to me when his own way of thinking caused him hardships. This friend I had to stop picking up the phone for. It was draining, tiresome and pointless and as a female insulting. Although I wish him well, I can't get sucked into his constant theory of "it's not me, it's everyone else." He is the epitome of "misery loves company."
Other toxic friends include the ones who always wants to borrow money, but never can do the littlest things for you. The one who has you babysit her kid while she goes out on a date but you never hear from her any other time. The friends who only want to call when they spot your ex boyfriend and his new wife out looking great. Basically the people who aren't truly your friends at all, they are just looking for an earpiece and someone to engage in conversations that are absolutely meaningless to your life, prove unproductive and when you hang up the receiver you feel just as dumb as they sound. If you want to make 2014 the best year of YOUR life you need to get rid of blessing blockers and fast! It's cool to be cordial upon seeing these folks on the street, I mean, you don't need to take off in a sprint or avoid eye contact when you spot them, just create boundaries that will help you rid your life of the toxic mess they seem to bring to it. Here are a few tips:
1.) It takes two to tango...and gossip.
When the conversation turns to gossip turn a deaf ear. Literally. Simply don't respond and if they can't take the hint be upfront. Let them know that you aren't interested in rehashing others misfortunes, that you don't take joy in it. If they don't feel ridiculous for trying to bait you in such pointless chatter they'll end the conversation. Either way it is a win for you.
2.) Refer to number 1.
It's really THAT simple. No other tips are needed. Just stop them and the conversation in their tracks by being upfront. We're working on ourselves and our goals for an awesome 2014. This is going to be the greatest year of YOUR life! There is no room for negative Nancy's or Joyless Jim's! No time to focus on what this girl is doing and who with or what this person said on their twitter page. It's minor stuff and we're only interested in the major.
Remember as you grow in your journey you will outgrow some people who are currently in your life. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it hurts. These are growing pains. Loose ends will stunt your growth. One to grow on.
--Shae Camille
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